When we talked of adopting and the possibility of having twins, we thought we’d need more help than we have finally settled for. Still, I’m happy with our current situation – we have a pretty exclusive say on how the kids are brought up and at this point in their lives, I feel that’s important. I don’t want to have an ayah hanging around whom I constantly have to train or supervise to ensure she handles the kids the way I want.
So sometimes when I’m feeling worn out – like now – I wonder whether getting more help is the answer, and I feel that most likely it isn’t.
What I really want – and it’s so difficult to admit this – is to have some time to get away from the kids, to be able to leave them to someone else’s care. It sounds terrible when I say it – as though I’m a selfish, unloving mother who only wants to pursue her own pleasures. Given that our kids are adopted, it even makes me feel a little defensive – as though I need to explain first that it’s not that I don’t love them.
I think I never wholly appreciated how completely housebound I was going to be. And here I think the fact that it’s twins does make a difference. With one child, I might have ventured out to markets, to meet friends, maybe even sometimes to a restaurant. With two, it’s a daunting prospect. Even if we had two car-seats and I could strap them in and drive out somewhere with them, what would I do once I got there?
I also miss going out together with Amit. The way it happens now is that, if I want to go out, even if just for a walk in the evening, he must be home. So we get very little time at home together, and zero opportunity to go out together unless it’s with the kids.
Of course, that problem could be solved if we got a baby-sitter. That way, I could go out for a walk, or for routine grocery-shopping, even when he’s out of town or working late. And we could even go for a stroll together, something we used to do quite a lot and which I really miss.
But, Amit doesn’t want to leave the kids alone with a baby-sitter until they’re old enough to talk. And that’s going to take a while. Till then, I’m going to have to be pretty much 24×7 with the kids. I hope I can adjust to that soon – I don’t seem to be doing a very good job so far and it’s making me feel altogether wretched.